Essential Care, Handling, & Training of Oneself.
Part 1 of 3
It seems that no one ever wants to talk about this.
Some sigh, others even roll their eyes.
No juicy catharsis, no shocking revelations await.
Everyone knows, everyone has heard it a million times.
It is as boring as piano practice on a sunny afternoon.
When I ask if you…
…have a regular routine to pay attention to your body’s need for gross motor activity?
…are able to keep your home clean?
…have some quiet time for contemplation built into your week?
…get to bed early enough and sleep through eight hours?
…know how to choose and cook food that you enjoy and that meets your personal digestive and nutritional needs?
…have a clear sense of your income and expenses?
…see your medical/alternative care providers regularly?
…spend sufficient time in daylight?
…overuse, abuse, or addictively depend on toxic substances – even the “regular” ones?
…participate in meaningful recreational, social, educational, or community building activities?
You may think my inquiry is annoying and overwhelming and off the point. You may think that the behaviors I’m asking about are not really necessary and that you can get along just fine without them – because the real problem is your job, your boss, your roommate, your girlfriend, your kids, your schedule, the city you live in.
You may think that it is shockingly obvious and that, of course, you read the magazines, and the Health section in the Times, and we all know what we “should” be doing to “take care” of ourselves – but that doesn’t mean that you have the time, the structure, the wherewithal, the money, the discipline, or the motivation to do it.
I know that you believe that you should be able to feel better even while you suspect that you are living in a state of active neglect/abuse of yourself. I know that you think if I would just join you and focus on the “real problem” that you will be able to face these “other things” when you feel better, or when you win the lotto, or when you retire.
This is the real problem.
Any animal who is deprived of sleep, and/or fed inadequate nutrition, sitting in its own waste, ingesting poisons, prohibited from gross motor discharge, cut off from meaningful interaction with others of its species, experiencing unrelenting stress with no respite – all of its natural drives thwarted – is going to feel like shit. We would expect it to suffer. We anonymously call animal control on the neighbors, or feel impelled to donate money to animal rescue associations after seeing animals in such states of neglect and abuse.
It astounds me how often people prefer to first consider anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medication for clearly mild symptoms before they will consider walking to work, turning off the crappy late night TV to get to sleep earlier, cooking at home, or reducing their “normal” alcohol consumption.
There is ample and sound research that such self-care: the endorphins generated by exercise, the impact of mindfulness meditation on anxiety and pain levels etc., etc., all have substantial and measurable effects toward helping us “feel better” in the here and now. I’m not going to even bother to cite the studies.
And although coming to therapy is a significant and important step, therapy is unlikely to offer much sustainable solace if it is the only hour or two out of your week that you actually tend to yourself.
True, facing down these lifestyle changes won’t cure your bad marriage, a crazy abusive boss, your controlling father, your financial anxieties, or loneliness. It’s not going to take away all of the discomfort or pain.
But nonetheless: these activities of healthy daily living are also profoundly important symbolic gestures:
They are the daily rituals of self-regard. Actions which demonstrate that you value and will be loyal to your own core needs regardless of your mood or whim. Proof to your psyche that you will not be distracted, that you will faithfully show up for yourself. A message to the back of your brain that you will be steadfast and brave and true, that you can be trusted and reliable – and that you won’t let yourself down. These are gestures which create a symbolic experience of the devoted, attentive, reassuring internal parent who will care for you no matter what. It means committing to (at least) beginning to behave in a loving way toward yourself, even if you don’t always feel it.
As old Freud himself stated: “The ego is first and foremost a body ego.” Our first and most primal experiences of ourselves and our loved ones are through our bodies. Our essential sense of self is formed through how our bodies’ needs have been cared for – or not. Our sensory embodied experience is how we first know what it means to feel loved, valued, soothed, fed, and tended to.
Part of the function of therapy is to initiate you into the mysteries of becoming your own Healer, your own best Caretaker.
Yet, these first stages of initiation are so obvious, such a part of our common knowledge, that we often think we can forgo them altogether.
It will thwart your progress.
I’m not asking you to do it all at once.
I expect it to take time – there are likely years ahead of trial and error, dead-ends, stall-outs and do-over’s. You can feel lost, overwhelmed, and you can fail and quit, and regroup.
But we have to begin to listen to the nagging, pressing voice of our most basic needs – even if it feels as obvious, repetitive, and annoying as a good-enough mother reminding a child to eat their vegetables, clean their room, and practice the piano.
copyright © 2011
All rights reserved Martha Crawford